so long, sunshine.

spring's here, but yet, i feel myself saying goodbye to everything and everyone i've ever known. why is this? im not leaving. im not going anywhere. but yet i feel i cant stay, that im not staying, that im moving and drifting away from this place, or, perhaps, this world, this realm of consiousness. could that be it? perhaps ive outgrown this musty, backwater town and need to move onto greener pastures. or, perhaps, a place with no pastures at all. a cityscape, a sidewalk-lined utopia (well, perhaps not in a general sense, but for me at least). maybe i need a car and a job and someone to pay rent to and a bed that i own and a place to call "home." not the home i know now because that place isnt my home, its much closer to hell. i think i need to be as far away here as possible. california? i have family out there. family that care and love me and accept me for who i am, unlike the family around here, in indiana, in the place that i hate. i could go to arizona, too. 'cept for the fact theyre not trans* friendly, that in fact would be my preferred option. but since they passed that law, i think ill pass too. its kind of crazy, isnt it? ive been driven so slowly and surely insane by this place so many people call their home. it almost pains me to think about.